


aromantic, adjective. a•ro•man•tic

by shyv2rxrxr (hexburn)



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Aromantic, Exploring Romance, Exploring Sexuality, Learning by Experience, M/M, POV First Person, reflecting on the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 07:21:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20524139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hexburn/pseuds/shyv2rxrxr
Summary: aromantic, adjective. a•ro•man•tic | having little or no romantic feeling toward others, experiencing little or no romantic desire or attractionThough it takes Martin some time to figure out, that fits him perfectly.





	aromantic, adjective. a•ro•man•tic

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to skip this note! this is just some context on this fic since it's not exactly full of cute ships or fun smut or heart-breaking angst.
> 
> when I write, I try to write with some sort of purpose behind it, whether that's to make someone happy or to get some thoughts out of my head or to explore how characters would comfort each other or to try and get a deeper understanding of mental illness through writing. this piece has a much more blatant purpose.  
to help myself understand aromanticism, and, though I changed the names, to help people at my university understand it.  
maybe this will broaden some horizons. maybe it'll just linger here and fade away.
> 
> no matter what happens, I hope you enjoy.

** _aromantic, adjective. a•ro•man•tic | having little or no romantic feeling toward others, experiencing little or no romantic desire or attraction_ **

I am pretty, therefore I am coveted.

I am coveted, therefore I should try to be good to those who covet me.

I try to be good to those who covet me.

Therefore, I make mistakes.

xPeke. My first experience dating. I'm not even sure you could call it dating, since we were only together for a few weeks, as Enrique and Lauri quarrelled. I didn't mind being used, to be honest. We were both using each other. Enrique was using me to get back at Lauri for kissing some girl at a party, I was using him for the experience of dating, we were good like that. I think Enrique knew I didn't really  _ like him _ like him. I think he was the first person to understand that I was aromantic, even if all he understood was that I was uninterested in the 'I love you's and mostly in it for the cuddles, sex, and companionship. 

I still don't understand the difference between platonic closeness and romantic closeness. Isn't it the same feeling? Being the best friends in the world and hugging after games and sleeping together at night. I never felt anything other than that same friendship, even when I was kissing him. It felt a little bit... Spark-ier I guess? More thrilling, more dangerous, more risky. 

Kissing was okay. The fun part was sex.

But that came later.

Febiven. Forget love, we were all about sex.

Both of us didn't care at all for the other romantically, at least not by the time I found out about the girls. I think he really did love me at first. He always loves what isn't his, and I was a special treasure to him - the first man in his body-count of people he'd slept with and a pretty boy besides. But Fabi covets too much. If it isn't his, he wants it. He doesn't care much for what he has, only what he doesn't have. 

Remember the Grossgore scandal? 

Yeah.

I broke it off when I learned that he wasn't just fucking me, but also two girls and a girlfriend he'd kept secret. It wasn't like I minded that. I didn't feel cheated on or anything, but I did feel slightly betrayed. Enrique had been nothing but honest and kind to me, even after we'd parted, and here Fabi was lying about having other sexual partners. If he wanted to be open, I couldn't care less, but open relationships mean being open about what's happening. 

I could have gotten a disease from him. 

Sex is great, but if it's not safe sex, I'm not interested.

He didn't seem that sad about it. If anything, he missed the sex, but I wasn't about to invite him back into my bed without being tested first. Too much trouble for him, apparently.

I still feel bad for all those girls. What if they had loved him? And he just broke their hearts.

When I heard about him cheating on Vyvan, I wasn't surprised at all. She seems happier now. 

I'm happy for her. Hopefully she, like everyone else who wants a romantic partner, finds one.

Klaj. Sometimes I wonder if I somehow messed Johan up, made him too like me. Usually, I only think these things when I see him hanging off the arm of someone new. I worry that I ruined him and turned him into someone who cares only for sex, someone who is crazed for it like Fabi (but of course much kinder, because Fabi's heartbreaking behaviour is inexcusable).

And then I see him nuzzle his new sweetheart's cheek, or he kisses them, or he adds them to his Snapchat story with hearts everywhere, or he tells me about how cute they are when all his emotions for them overflow and he has to tell someone about it. 

He loves to love. It makes me happy to see him thrive. 

Johan is the one who helped me realise I was aromantic because I loved him, I really did, but I didn't love him the way boyfriends love, I loved him the way best friends love. Hugging him felt right. Helping him felt right. Talking to him felt so, so right, like our minds were made to bounce ideas against each other ad infinitum.

But kissing him didn't feel right. Holding his hand didn't feel right. Fucking him especially just felt wrong, like I was taking advantage of someone who trusted me, like I was betraying his heart with every moan I drew from his lungs. It felt like...

It felt like he was so invested in me, so loving of me, and yet I didn't love him back the same way. 

I told him before we got too far. I didn't want to break his heart in two.

But to my surprise, he didn't mind, or at least not as much as I feared he might. He cried a little, but he'd seen it coming.

We hugged a lot that night.

And when the sun came up, we moved on as friends. We're still close friends today, and I love to hear about all the people he loves, from Hatrixx to Jeskla to Hjarnan to Phones to Finn and seemingly everyone in between.

Johan and me, polyromantic and aromantic. We never fit together as lovers. As friends, we're two pieces of a puzzle.

Broxah.

Mads.

Mads, Mads, Mads Mads Mads Mads Mads, Mads, Mads.

Mads.

I am so, so sorry.

I never should have said 'yes' to dating him. Never. It was a mistake. I didn't mean to say 'yes,' it just- it just slipped off my tongue, he was so happy and hopeful as he asked me to dinner and a movie, how could I have said no to him? He was so happy... and with the way he smiled and laughed, so full of glee, I was happy too... but the lie didn't last.

I had to tell him. It wasn't fair for him to think I loved him like that when I didn't, I had to tell him, I simply had to. I couldn't lie to him. I told him before we had the chance to go on another date. I felt so guilty, like I was on trial for heartbreak and the evidence just kept piling up, but - to my surprise - he just smiled. He forgave me.

I felt like I didn't deserve it, you know? 

No one deserves forgiveness for that, especially not me - not when I full well knew that I never should say yes and then said it anyway - but he forgave me. He’s… he’s incredible like that.

Mads started dating Rasmus a few months after we broke up, if you can call one date being boyfriends, and I was really happy that he found someone who could love him back. They were kind of the perfect couple before Rasmus moved to G2. I was always happy when I saw them together - it was like seeing your best friends happier than they’ve ever been before, how could I possibly be mad? Of course, it was sad when they broke up, but Mads is still happy with Tim. 

I’m glad. A man with a heart as golden as Mads’s deserves the best.

Honestly, when I stay up late like this and think about all the people I’ve been close to over the years, I think I’ve done well for myself. I’ve definitely gotten around - aromantic doesn’t mean I don’t want to fuck - but I think I’ve managed to minimise my impact in terms of emotions. 

Most players get it. If they want a one-night stand with me, I’m down. If they like me, if they love me, I can’t do that.

I am aromantic, therefore I do not feel romantic affection.

I do not feel romantic affection, therefore I cannot love romantically.

I cannot love romantically.

And I won’t apologise for it.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to hear what you thought about this! good? bad? kinda meh? I promise I won't be offended if it's the latter two :)


End file.
